What would you change?
I have a daily practice, well I have a lot of them actually, but the one I am referring to now is the practice of writing in my Five Minute Journal. I literally think that this book which cost about $20 (the app version is $4.99) is a tiny miracle. It helps keep me focused on what I am grateful for, it reminds me to celebrate the tiny wins I have each day, and it challenges me to ask myself hard questions, ones that I would not normally ask or answer. This morning as I opened the app the following question popped onto my screen.
If this week was your last week of your life, would you do what you are about to do now? What would you change?
Two things came to mind as I read this. First, I really need to give myself the time to contemplate and answer this question today. The second thought, RUN!!! You don’t need to answer this question. You have too many other more important things to do. Plus it’s going to make you look at things, messy things that you might not be ready to clean up. My first thought won out and this is what came through me.
I would let go of being angry at my husband, and I would just spend as much fun, quality time with him as possible. I would show him how much I love him, and how lucky I feel to be his wife. I would get in the car and drive down to my parents house in NC. I would spend time with them sitting around the dinner table talking, not talking, and just being together. I would spend time with my brother and get as many of his hugs in as possible. I would take my nephew to Dave ‘n Busters and ask him to teach me a new TIK TOK dance. I would spend time with my friends Liz and Carol, eating and drinking and playing games until 3 in the morning. I would not stress over how I look. I would eat whatever I wanted. I would surrender to what is, spend time taking walks in nature, and spend lots of time hugging and playing with my dog Bonnie.
Most of all, I would want everyone who has been a part of my life to know how much they have touched me and how much they are loved. I would forgive my sister and also ask for her forgiveness. I would laugh, look strangers in the eye and smile. I would look up to the sky and thank the sun for shining it’s light on me and soak up every last bit that I could. At night, I would sit outside in awe of the moon, stars, sounds and smells. I would say thank you over and over and over again.
Now that I have this list of things that are clearly very important to me, I have what feels like a game of tug of war being played in my chest because the thing is, I am not dying. So how do I take this information, and integrate it into my life in someway? Because let’s be honest, I will still get bogged down from time to time with fearful thoughts of what’s coming our way in the near future. I will get frustrated with my husband over the decorating decisions we are not agreeing on, and I will still have things that I want to accomplish and goals I want to achieve. There is an answer that felt as if it was being whispered into my ear up as I was writing these word and it sounds something like this…
sift out everything but the essential. Be kind. Be honest. Be grateful, and be brave.
I know that doesn't sound like much of a plan, but it’s a place to start. And, if I start with being both kind and honest with myself and others, I do believe that everything else will fall into place. But I cannot do it without also being brave, because the kind of kindness and honesty I am talking about is the deepest kind, the most vulnerable, the kind that comes from the core of who we really are. The kind that we access when we take the time to answer questions like this one.